Do as Bing does.

"Let's let the old year die
with a fond goodbye
and our hopes as high
as a kite."
Let's Start the New Year Right
performed by Big Crosby in Holiday Inn (Best.  Movie.  Ever.)

AC is staying at my mother-in-law's, so it's just Rory and I tonite to ring in the new year.  Strike that, it's just me, she's asleep.

I'm not going to get all introspective and wax poetic, there's a time and place for that, but there are enough people doing that this time of year, so, I'll save you the boredom.

Every year, regardless of whether or not they're verbalized, we make resolutions.  "This year I'll exercise", "This year I'll keep the house clean all the time", "This year I'll eat better", "This year I'll save money", "This year I'll stop hiding in the bathroom to eat chocolate so I don't have to share with my kids".  You know the drill.  We spend time, money, and energy attempting, this time, to actually become the person we want to be; to bring to life the person we envisioned ourselves as being when we were young.

However, we are who we are.  We can alter our behaviors for the better or worse, but who we are, the individual God created, doesn't change so much.  Besides, each year I resolve to lose weight and look better and yet it never really happens.  Do you think that if I resolve to get fatter and look worse, that the trend will continue?

By the way, I take back the "hide in the bathroom" resolution...I plan on doing that as soon as AC gets home.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Do you make resolutions?  Have you ever followed through?

Oprah started it, pt III

Yep, more Oprah questions!

11. Where do you like to vacation?

Where do I like to "vacation"??  Using the word "vacation" as a verb as opposed to a noun suggests that I enjoy vacations on a regular basis.  Alas, 'tis not the case.  I'd love to be in a position to do so, and were I in that position, I'd vacation to...wait for it...DISNEYLAND!!!!  And Scotland, don't ask, I'm a trifle obsessed with the place, culture, history, brogue, men in kilts...*sigh*


12. Who do you admire?


I admire a lot of people.  I admire the ladies in my Bible study for being willing to be so transparent.  I admire my husband for making such a huge sacrifice for the good of out family.  I admire my mom for a LOT of reasons, mostly because she had a clean house, dinner on the table, and chores done all with three kids underfoot.  Like I said, there are quite a few.  I'm going to stop with that because the answer to this question could easily turn into a sappily feel-good soliloquy.


13. What is your mission?


My mission, as I've accepted it, is to destroy the Evil Lord Dust Bunny and his minions and save my floors from their treachery!  HA!  If someone asked me this question at a dinner party, I'd laugh...hard.  Are you serious?!?


14. If you were invisible, where would you go?


The boys locker room *insert adolescent titter here*  This sounds like a truth or dare question.
Seriously, I don't know, I'd probably walk around naked all the time...or bra-less.  First, I think I'd see if I could trade invisibility for the ability to cause a room to clean itself by singing and snapping my fingers like in Mary Poppins.  That'd be awesome...


15. What traits in others are you attracted to?


Okay, if this is a dinner party question, it should be reserved for a SINGLES dinner party.  No matter how benign the asker's intentions, I'd still feel the need to flash my wedding ring at them pointedly and dodge the question.  


See how smoothly I dodged??


Okay, questions over for now (there's one more installment).  I answered more of them this time because I couldn't think of something suitable to blog about and was feeling less than creative.  There is one anecdote I want to share, but it wasn't enough to create and entire blog around.  


My grandma came back from Wal-Mart complaining that the bluetooth on her car wasn't working right.  She had tried to call a few people and the voice activation wouldn't recognize/follow her instructions.  Mom promised to go out to the car later and check it out.  In a discussion a few minutes later, she was saying that she had intended to call us in Wal-Mart to see if the item she was picking up was correct, but had realized she forgot her phone...  Yes, she thought she could call from her car WITHOUT her CELL PHONE.  Fo' reals.  I laughed so hard and proceeded to good-naturedly tease her about it, asking if she was thinking that her car could channel her thoughts and call with her brain waves.  That, in turn, turned into me screwing up my face and attempting to "call" her across the room.  It was hilarious.


Until then,


AC 'n' Rory's Mom


Oh, I've been thinking of doing a photo caption contest every weekend.  No prizes, that will have to wait until I have product endorsements (one can dream...).  What do you think?

The Man with the Bag

Christmas is coming and that means going to see Santa...  My dad took off work to take the kids on Friday.  (I think you could've picked both Mom's and my jaws up off the floor when he told us.  My dad didn't do that, but apparently, AC and Rory's PawPaw does.)  


I, personally, could never again darken the door of Bass Pro Shop and live a happy and fulfilled life...except on a Friday morning before Christmas.  It was friggin' awesome!  The line for Santa had THREE families in it...including us.  The girls were dressed in their Christmas costumes (a Santa dress for AC and an elf costume for Rory) and no one cried, screamed, picked their nose, threw up, nothing.  The picture turned out great on the first try!  I was a little concerned with Rory though, right before it was our turn, she let loose a man-sized butt rumbler that singed my nose hairs.  I was a little afraid she'd fart on Santa, but if she did, he didn't mention it.


I think you're only supposed to get one photo per visit, but after taking Rory off Santa's lap, AC wouldn't stop posing for the camera so they just kept snapping pictures.  Both Santa and his helpers found this wildly entertaining and AC gave Santa a hearty chuckle when she told him she wants "a toaster and some money" for Christmas.  I suspect she has a little less faith in Santa's abilities than she does in her Daddy's, she asked him for "diamonds and a pink pony with wings...a real one."

Turned out pretty cute and Santa was great with the kids.

I, personally, did not grow up believing in an magnanimous obese man with a penchant for B&E.  We left cookies out and knew that they would always be chocolate chip because those were Dad's favorite.  It was fun to pretend to believe, but I don't feel as though I missed out on anything due to actual non belief.


Maybe I'm over-thinking things, but how can I expect my child to believe that I'm telling her the truth about God, whom she cannot see when, for years, I lied to her about Santa Claus whose knee she sat on annually?  Not that I want to strip the magic and wonder from her childhood, but I just don't see the good in perpetuating a lie.  People who did believe all remember the exact moment when they learned there is no Santa.  It's like asking a member of the older generation if they remember where they were when Elvis or JFK were killed.  It's a shock to the system and alters, however minutely, the axis upon which your own personal world spins.  Like I said, it may be over-analyzing things, but I just don't see the benefit, personally.


Other than that, nothing of note has happened as of late, unless I count walking into my grandma's bedroom at 11:30 p.m. last night only to find AC in her jammies and Cinderella dress-up dress curled up with my grandma in her chair engrossed in Real Stories of the ER or some such nonsense.  Her response when I tell her to go to bed?  Rambling on and on about the lady whose baby is coming, the other lady with a big scar that lost her cat, and so on.  Seriously?!?  


Until then,


AC 'n' Rory's Mom


**How old were you when you learned Santa doesn't exist?  How did it affect you? Do/will your kids believe?

I don't read blogs very often, but do read one specific one every day: Single Dad Laughing.  In today's post, he had the readers fill in the following blanks with the first word or phrase that came to mind.
Mom and I did it separately and ended up with 4 out of 5 matching answers...  I'm not sure if that's cool or scary and wonder what a therapist would say about that!  I'm going to post the same phrases with blanks, please comment on the blog (not on Facebook) with your answers.  The reason is two-fold: 1. I'm testing a new comment system (let me know if you like this better), and 2. 'Cuz I said so.


1. I am really _______________.
2. I think children are _______________.
3. I wish I were a better _______________.
4. I am the best _______________.
5. My biggest fear is _______________.


Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Spaliday for Two

As I've said before, I joined the same gym as my parents for the duration of my stay here in KC. They have a spa and, although very out of character for her, my mom asked if I wanted to go do a spa package together if she pays for it. Umm...duh.

Let me start by saying that neither mom, nor I, have ever been to a spa, so, regardless of the few spa treatments I've had (pedis, waxing/sugaring, and massages), I've never had them in a proper spa setting. The package she chose was the Spaliday Sampler. It included a 30 min Swedish massage, a 30 min facial, and an express mani/pedi in that order. Par for the course, we were rushing that morning and I left the house with wet, au natural hair and half a cup of coffee. I was NOT looking nor feeling my best.

We dashed into the spa after dropping off AC and were greeted with citrus water and led to the locker room. We had lockers for our things and hanging in the lockers were robes and flip flops. The girl instructed us to undress, put on our robes, and head to the "relaxation room". You KNOW that as soon as said girl left the locker room, Mom and I looked at each other and squealed, "This is just like in a movie!" Yep, that's how sophisticated we are. Of course, they don't show people stripping down, tripping over their pant legs, or balling up their socks in the movies. The also don't show real people in old ass cotton granny panties and a dingy nursing bra...what?? I'm a mother of two children under 3, like I have anything else. Besides, the cute underwear I have shoved in a drawer from the days when things like that actually mattered don't fit...don't judge me.

Mom and I shuffled into the relaxation room (literally, the flip flops are one size) which is just a squint-inducing brightly lit room with an air freshener, a few chairs, herbal tea bags, and water. I was a little disappointed that there were no snacks...I was hungry, I didn't have time for breakfast. There was also no coffee, but I suppose that's frowned upon, they don't want you getting all hopped up on caffeine in the relaxation room. (Not so relaxing in my opinion as the combination of bright light and no caffeine was giving me a headache.)

There to meet us were two women in scrubs, one petite Asian and one hulking Caucasian. I swear, her name wasn't Brunhilda, but I wouldn't have been surprised had she ripped off her shirt to reveal a breastplate and then burst into operatic song. I was desperately hoping she would have a heavy Nordic accent and follow every sentence with "ja". All disappointment was forgotten, however, when I slid under the blanket on the massage table. Those suckers are HEATED! I swear, after a satisfying back massage, I could've spent all day on that bed wrapped in a cocoon of snuggliness.

I was directed back to the relaxation room, which is really just a euphemism for waiting room, and out came Mom. First, of course, she had to comment and laugh at the rounded indentation on my forehead from the massage table. Then she burst into an exaltation of all things massage. Literally, the first words out of her mouth were, "Is this what I've been missing?!?" I think we've created a monster. In a few months there will probably be a blog about Mom's massage intervention, which is a little surprising...Mom doesn't like other people touching her.

Next was the facial. Neither of us had ever had a facial before, so, I didn't know what to expect and had visions of fabulous smelling creams, eyelid massages, and general magic being performed on my face. Not so, my friend. Maybe it was just that it was a dumbed down version, but, really, I don't think I need to pay someone that much money to wash my face. I can do scrubs, masks, and toner at home for a hell of a lot less money, sweetcheeks. She asked me halfway through if I'd like to do a few "extractions". Sure, why not? I didn't realize what she really meant was, "Can I pop your zits?" I quickly regretted my up-for-anything attitude when she used little cotton wads to squeeze the mother effing hell out of my face. Had my arms not been tucked snugly under the luxuriously warm blanket, I'd have slapped her. I wanted to ask her if she ever tells people she's a professional pimple popper, but somehow I don't think she would've found that amusing.

Off to the locker room before the mani/pedi to change into our clothes so as not to muss the polish. Mom walked in looking like a cherry tomato. No joke. She had agreed to facial waxing along with her facial and it turned her into a walking stop sign. This point in the proceedings is also when I tried the cucumber water. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but it tasted like crap. It was like drinking the water from the bottom of the Tupperware the cucumbers have sat in. It made me think of cleaning out a dirty refrigerator and there is NOTHING refreshing about that. Just sayin'...

The mani/pedi, for me, was almost not even worth mentioning. I like the $30 everything-but-the-kitchen-sink pedicures I get at the local Asian salon whereas this, being an "express mani/pedi", was pretty much just clip and paint. Mom went to go get AC from the children's area while the girl was finishing my toes and 2 minutes later, here comes a childcare worker to get verbal confirmation that Mom could pick her up. They insisted they couldn't find our paperwork. Uh, that effing paperwork is what ultimately caused my back injury and you're telling me it was all for naught??? *insert eye roll and sigh* AC was tired and hungry which leads to a crabby little girl, so, here we are, fuzzy-haired, irritated, trying to wrangle a whiner as well as carry coats, shoes, and purses, Mom is more red faced than Santa, and I still have the massage table crease on my forehead as well as red spots from the "extractions". Wow, what a picture of indulgent and serene relaxation... I don't think we'll be getting a call to be in their brochure.

All in all, it was kinda fun, however, we now know what kind of services we would and wouldn't pay for again. You live and learn. At least I got Snickers smoothie afterwards.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Old folks-isms

Have you noticed that the older generation also has different names for things? Just yesterday, my grandma called the half-and-half in the fridge "cereal cream". I had to have her show me what she was talking about. Cereal cream?? I'm a whole milk drinker, I love me some dairy, but I think even I would gag if my Captain Crunch was floating (suspended, more like) in half-and-half. Old folks say the darnest things...

"There's a n*gger in every woodpile." No joke. My great-grandmother who grew up in a small farming community and was in her 80's at the time actually said this...out loud. I distinctly remember sitting on her couch while she was talking to my dad when she, oh, so nonchalantly, let that doozie fly. I didn't realize my eyeballs were threatening to fall out of their sockets and my mouth was hanging open until my dad gave me the stink eye and elbowed me in the ribs. I do believe I coughed to cover my reaction and was offered a glass of water by my sweet old granny...

"She's going to have a cat with a crocheted tail when she hears about this." Bless her soul. Billie was my 75 year old co-worker back before I got married. She was a riot, we would take extra long lunch breaks and go shopping. She used to say this ALL THE TIME. I find myself saying it now, it's so much better than "have a cow", doncha think?

"Grandpa is taking his car out for a walk and it ain't even Sunday." LOLOLOL! That's Billie again. That woman made me carsick when she drove and she hated nothing more than getting stuck behind some "old woman" (who was probably 10 or more years younger than her). I've stolen this one too, most of the time people don't listen closely enough to really get the joke. It makes me giggle just thinking about it!

"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." This one is courtesy of my very own grandma. I've heard her say this MANY times over the years and, on every account, I can't argue with that logic. There's not much that wouldn't be better than that!

I find the phrases and metaphores that the older generations use HILARIOUS (most of the time). Some are down right offensive, but, really, can you get pissed at a little old lady for not keeping up with political correctness?? Instead of becoming affronted, I tend to just smile and laugh in those situations. After all, the whole thing about old dogs is a cliche for a reason. It's probably better to not make a big deal of things like "crippled parking space" or "that oriental/colored/etc person". After a certain age, you're probably not going to convince them to change. Granted, I am not a member of any of the groups that would have credence to BE offended, so, it's easy for me to shrug it off, but if there is no malice behind the statement, I say chalk it up to having grown up in a different generation and just have a private giggle about it. Someday we will be the ones who can't seem to keep the PC terms straight and I, personally, hope to be gently reminded and giggled at.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Please comment with some "old folks-isms" that you've laughed at, been appalled at, or even used yourself. How do you feel about the PC issue? Do you agree/disagree and why?

Oprah started it, pt. II

**Disclaimer: I don't know why the spacing on this post is so screwed up. I tried to fix it a few times, it didn't work and so I gave up, 'nuff said.**

If you're just joining us, I'm answering Oprah's dinner party questions. Don't ask, I have time on my hands...

6. What is your greatest accomplishment?

I'll get sappy with this one and say my kids. Although, had I an Oscar, the girls would be playing second fiddle to the little gold man on Mommy's mantle.

7. What drives you every day?

My car! HA! I wonder if Oprah would laugh... She probably wouldn't. I bet her driver drives her everyday. I'd like to have a driver. Oh, right, back to the question. My kids and my "faith". Most people with children know what I mean, things might be a little different at my house if I didn't have the girls to consider. Despite the jokes I may have made/will make, they come first. Probably need to explain the quotes around faith. I hesitate to use a lot of the labels associated with Christianity because they have come to have such a hypocritical and hokey connotation. Yes, by definition, I am a Christian. It is my religion. I have faith and a personal relationship with Jesus. Somehow, though, these labels don't adequately describe what drives me everyday. I won't go too deeply into it, let's face it, religious conversations usually go two ways: 1. the talker babbles on and on and the listener's eyes glaze over and they begin to resemble a bobble head; and 2. debate sparks, indignations rise, and people get offended. I'd rather just avoid those scenarios altogether. That being said, should you have questions about what I, personally, believe, feel free to email me and ask. I'm happy to answer questions in a way that is neither derogatory or preachy.

8. What is your favorite food?

Ask my friend, Cindi, she knows...
There is a restaurant where I live that is run by a genuine Italian and has the most AMAZING dish called the Don Special. According to the menu, it's breaded chicken sauteed with fresh garlic, melted cheese over pasta with a white wine lemon sauce. You. Don't. Even. Know. If it weren't frowned upon in polite society, I'd LICK the DAMN PLATE. If they don't come take the plate from me right away when I've finished, I find myself running my finger over the remaining sauce and lapping it up like I haven't just inhaled the whole dish. I'm not kidding, I could eat it every day. Every. Day.
I also have a penchant for tiramisu. Said restaurant also makes a killer tiramisu. If it weren't for the guilt (and the exorbitant cost), I'd order a pan of the stuff and sit down with a fork. I'll put it this way, I can't think of a situation in which I would say "no" to tiramisu...unless it's that crappy short-cute recipe business that doesn't taste anything like the real thing.
Long story short, if you want something from me, the best way to butter me up is to serve me the Don Special followed by a heaping portion of tiramisu. I'll most likely say yes.

9. Where do you want to retire?

At this point in my life, I just want us to be ABLE to retire. If I could retire anywhere, it would be Disneyland. I'm so not kidding. I think it would be FANTASTIC to live close enough that I can go on the weekends, although I don't want to live in CA. I suppose that means I better have lotsa moolah so I can afford to fly back and forth often. My minions need to do their part and spread my blog around so I can get a book deal or something and can write stupid crap on the internet for a substantial living. I need a back up plan in case pimping my kids out doesn't pan out, I have no desire to be a Wal-Mart greeter...

10. What is your business goal this year?

Seeing as there is less than a month left in this year, my goals aren't all too lofty. Next year, however, is a different story. I'll be launching my ecrater site and filing numbers, IDs, taxes, and all that other stuff that will enable me to become a legit business owner. Hopefully, I'll also begin to broaden my customer base AND my inventory. Mom can't wait until I have a legit dba, not because she will be proud of her entrepreneurial daughter, but because she wants to go to market in Dallas. Yeah, she's planned the trip already.

Ok, kids, I'm hitting the sack. I am SO pooped, I actually worked hard at the gym today (and I may or may not have rewarded myself with a smoothie that tasted like a Snickers bar in a cup). There are 10 more riveting questions left in Oprah's arsenal. Stay tuned!

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Oprah started it, pt. I

In an attempt to blog more, I've found a list of questions that Oprah, herself, suggests when getting to know someone. Her idea is to put them in a bowl at a dinner party and have guests each take one and answer it. Martha would put the calligraphied questions on hand-made paper in a bowl she threw and glazed herself which would perch perfectly on the tablescape that matches, not only the food (made from homegrown produce, of course), but the hostesses attire. Right. My idea of a dinner party is this: meet at a restaurant (the dinner) that serves drinks (the party).

Hence, I'll answer them myself. Besides, who's more interesting than me?? Well, aside from that Dos Equis guy...

1. Who was your favorite celebrity as a child?

My favorite celebrity as a child?? Do cartoon characters count? I did have a thing for Meet Me in St. Louis. It was my favorite movie in kindergarten. I know, weird kid. I'll go with Judy Garland. Although I was a big fan of Bill Cosby in his Picture Pages years...

2. What type of pets do you have?

I have two children and a husband... Oh, you meant animals, ah, well, then, none. I don't like animals. No, I can't say that, they do taste delicious with bar-b-que sauce!

3. What is your favorite color?

For real? This question made Oprah's "getting to know you" list?? Should I be preparing for future questions like "What's your favorite number" and "When's your birthday"? You'd think of all people Oprah could do better than this. She interviews people for a living, for God's sake...a GOOD living. This is pitiful. I'm boycotting this question and refusing to answer.

4. What is most memorable about your high school years?

Uh, that they sucked. Whose didn't? And if you are thinking, "I loved high school, it was so much fun" then you are probably one of the people I had secret fantasies of ending up fat and penniless one day...how's that going for you?

5. What word describes you best?

I hate these kind of questions. How should I know? I don't go around describing myself in one word. "Hi, nice to meet you. My name's Amanda and I'm jocular." (Here you go, look it up...) And let me just point out that, if asked this question, an answer springs immediately to mind, you spend WAY too much time thinking about yourself and what it means to be you...either that, or you've attended one of Oprah's dinner parties.

That's all for today, folks. Be sure to tune in for the next scintillating installment of questions about me to which no one cares to know the answer! *cue game show music and canned applause here*

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

PS. Had to share, the receptionist at the health club spa the other day thought I was 19! It made my day. Granted, she thought this knowing I have a 3 year old, so, whatever she was thinking about me was probably not very complimentary, but I'm ignoring that part...

When I grow up

The following is the soliliquiy I listened to while racking my brain as to what to share in this blog. It was too good not to share and the question brought up some food for thought. So, without further ado, here are AC's future plans in her own words:

"When I grow up, I'm gunna be a mommy, a Barbie, and a doctor. My kids will be Buzz Lightyear, Tianna, Cinderella, and Aurora. That's a lot of babies, isn't it? There's a lot of babies that I have to have. I'll have the babies in a long, long time. For when I get big. I would like a Ramada car and a van car. I want two, one is a van and one is a Ramada. And someday, my car will go fast...my car will stay at my home and I will fly in a plane and go to Acifornia and my babies will go to Acifornia and I will drop off with Mili and Joe so they will be safe and I will go to work with my husband. Then we'll pick 'em up. I'm going to have sparkly shoes and sparkly dresses and sparkly panties and sparkly clothes for my babies. What are you going to be when you grow up, Momma?"

That's a good question, AC. I want to be LOTS of things. In fact, sometimes I think there are so many things I want to do and careers I would like to try that I'd need a few lifetimes to experience them all. Among my imagined endeavors are: becoming a special effects make-up artist, singing on stage in front of thousands of people, acting on Broadway, being in movies, being in tv shows, owning a retail shop, doing voice-overs for cartoons, being a Disney princess at Disneyland, owning a business with my mom, and the one that I would love most of all, being the voice of a Disney princess. Fo' reals, you could make that an entire career...I'd be content to be that princess for Disney for the REST OF MY LIFE. Actually, just about any creative position at Disney would be fantastic, the only problem: I don't want to live in Florida or Cali. I need to work for Disney in a way that I can be home most of the time... Anyone want to work that out for me?? Most of those things seem SO far-fetched and most of them take lots of luck and single-minded dedication to achieve and be successful at. I don't have that kind of focus.

What kind of things do YOU dream of doing? What careers would you like to try?

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Water Damage

I've been on hiatus since arriving at my mom's house. It's not that there isn't anything to blog about or that I don't have the time, it's just that I am always finding something else to do...like water aerobics. Mom has a gym membership and attends water aerobics three times per week. I went with her on a guest pass last Friday and the following Saturday, I congratulated myself on signing up for a one month membership so that I could continue to go with her. Monday mom wasn't feeling well, so, like the diligent eager beaver I am (can you smell the sarcasm?), I went without her, but took AC so Mom and Grandma would have only one child to worry about. I had added AC to my membership, so I didn't count on having to fill out paperwork upon our arrival at the children's area. After filling out all kinds of information I had ALREADY given them when signing up (don't get me started on their cockamamie clerical system), I was 5 minutes late to my water aerobics class.

**Sidebar: I feel as though I should clear something up here. For all those naysayers who would poke fun at my group fitness choice, ponder the following:

1. If you exercise in water, you don't look like an over-ripe tomato when you're finished, you also don't FEEL like you've just been beaten with a stick like you do after a land aerobics class.

2. If you, like me, are an uncoordinated nincompoop when it comes to land aerobics classes, you may enjoy partaking in the water. The water does an excellent job of hiding your flailing limbs and there are no mirrors to broadcast your bumbling ass to the rest of the class.

3. A water aerobics class is filled with OLD PEOPLE. It doesn't matter that you have to don a swimsuit, you can feel confident in the fact that your exposed flesh doesn't look like a crumpled paper bag. It's a major confidence booster.

Where were we? Ah, yes, 5 minutes late to class I dash into the pool area to find that all the front row spots are filled. (These elderly women are vicious about their "spots".) In fact, the only spot available was in water that came up to my chin next to the middle aged fat dude who looked like he was wearing a fuzzy sweater vest. Yum. The depth combined with the fat guy sloshing water over my head with each sweep of his curiously fuzz-free arm made it not only difficult to do the exercises, but also to...well, not drown. It wasn't until late that night when I woke up in blinding pain that I realized I had hurt myself. Fo' reals, I couldn't turn my head to the left nor look down and every movement sent shock waves of pain radiating through my back, my shoulder joints, and each arm. Yes, I sustain a water aerobics induced injury. No, I am not proud of that, but YOU try floundering about in water up to your chin for an hour and see how YOU feel, mkay?

It's 4 days later and I'm STILL rubbing Mineral Ice all over my shoulders and back. It might have something to do with the fact that I took too much pain reliever and played Just Dance and Just Dance 2 with my cousin on the Wii last night for 2 hours...just maybe... In my defense, I kicked ass although I think I'll stick to board games for the remainder of the weekend.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Snow-induced workload

Okay, I'm confused... It was 70+ degrees out yesterday, thunderstormed last night, and we woke up to snow this morning. Seriously?!?

We stayed up pretty late last night as I knew we didn't have anything to do today other than laundry. It was a pretty strong storm, lots of lightning and thunder, a littlebit of hail. Nothing too terrible. I checked my weather app and it showed two severe weather alerts, one for flooding and the other for a strong storm that could produce hail.

We must've been SUPER tired because all three of us slept soundly all snuggled up in Mommy's bed. We woke up this morning, immediately took showers and put on clean pajamas, it was about 10 a.m. when we walked into the living room to discover there was snow outside! Unfortunately, Mommy also noticed there were branches ALL OVER THE YARD. In the driveway too! Sh*t, are you kidding me? My husband isn't here, this means I have to clean this crap up... I'm a girl, that's not my job. (Yes, I know that's "so sexist", but when sexism works in my favor, I'm all for it.)

AC was thrilled and wanted to go outside and make snow angels and eat snow. It's a little too muddy and slushy out there, so, according to her, it was the height of unfairness when I put on my down coat and waterproof boots and slogged outside into the cold to "play". Let me assure you, Mommy would've gladly delegated the "playing" to someone else had there been anyone else to do it. I briefly considered calling the kid who mowed my lawn this summer to come and clear out the branches...

First on the list, clear off the satelite so NickJr could babysit my child while I was outside. This, of course, resulted in a deluge of slushy snow down the back of my coat. Hooray. I then had to take out the trash, I was seriously wishing I had done it the night before. That'll learn me to procrastinate... While out there I noticed that, what I assume must have been the wind, had blown open the gate to the front yard despite the padlock that we have on there. Strange.

I slogged all those branches to the backyard and then dug out the gate to the alley and piled them all next to the dumpster. There was only one in the front yard that I couldn't get. It was just TOO heavy.

It was SO nice to come inside to the cozy new scent I have in my Scentsy warmer, Baked Apple Pie. I am now thawing on the couch with a hot cup of pumpkin spice coffee. I am glad that is over, I don't think I've missed Clayton so much since I found a dead mouse under the sink...

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Three diamonds and a promise

I was waking up often last night to nurse Rory as I developed a blocked duct or something yesterday. Those SUCK! I had never had one before and it felt like she was sucking razor blade soup as opposed to milk... Anyway, with a trip to Mom's coming up soon, I was running through the laundry list of things I need to do before we leave, things I need to pack, things I'll need to get once we get there, and obsessing over how much more difficult the trip will be with a baby.

Of course, because it was nighttime and dark, my mind took a trip down Scary Lane. I swear, I watch too many crime dramas... I was thinking about how scary it really is out there. It seems that much more so when on the road and stopping in places that aren't familiar. Even scarier is knowing that I am the sole caretaker for two children this trip. It wasn't so bad with AC, she can walk, pee on the potty, etc. Well, I was freaking the hell out so, I started praying.

After feeding the baby and stirring myself into a maternal frenzy, I got up to get ready for the day. (I don't know how it happens, but it doesn't matter how early we get up and ready, it's alway a rushed whirlwind getting out of the house...) As I was putting on my shirt, my necklace caught on my shirt. Now, this isn't just any necklace, it's the diamond necklace my husband bought me before we were married. It's three teeny tiny diamonds set in platinum and it's one of the things I would grab if the house ever caught on fire. I looked down and, at first, thought my chain had broken. It hadn't, the clasp had come undone. It wasn't broken or open or anything...strange. As I went to re-clasp it, I broke out in a cold sweat...the pendant was NOT on the chain. In a panic, I started thinking about all the unretrievable places it could've dropped only to notice a sparkle in my bra. (There's a joke in there, but I'm in a hurry!) There it was, nestled in my bra. My sigh of relief also contained a small prayer of thanks.

Now, I'm not one to over-spiritualize things, but at that moment God spoke to me. He doesn't speak to me like crazy town voices in my head or anything. I just have thoughts pop into my head and I know it's Him. What He said was, "I know how precious this necklace is to you, how much more precious to Me are you and your daughters? I'll take care of you, just trust Me."

Awesome. I'm not going to get all kooky and look any deeper into it than that, but I just think it's pretty cool that this God I serve has enough compassion for me to assuage my silly apprehensions.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Snack and Inspiration

Head to the fridge, ladies, I've fallen in love with a new snack/meal that hits the spot and I DON'T feel guilty about! You'll need the following:

2 lb tub of Brown Cow Cream Top yogurt (It's VERY important to get the cream top...SOOOOOO good)

Small container of raspberries or blackberries or both!

Almond and flax granola

Mini semi-sweet chocolate chips

Rinse the berries and dump 'em into a bowl. Stir the yogurt well and pour 1/3 to 1/2 of the container of yogurt on top. Fill the rest of the bowl with granola and chocolate chips. Stir and EAT!

The chocolate and the rich creaminess of the yogurt makes it feel like I'm eating some sort of dessert and, although it probably does pack on the calories, there are a lot of nutritional benefits. The berries and dark chocolate are full of antioxidants, I'm getting vitamin D and probiotics from the yogurt, and fresh berries and granola give me fiber. As far as I'm concerned, that outweighs the caloric intake...

So, sit back with your bowl of yum, grab a tissue, and read the following blog. Be sure to pass it along, it needs to be read.

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/you-just-broke-your-child.html

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Fairy Tale Reflections

So, I've been thinking about this whole Sleeping Beauty fairy tale... There are some major flaws.

First of all, Rose (aka Aurora) is wandering through the forest singing to the woodland creatures when some dude on a horse starts singing with her. Wouldn't that totally freak you out?? Here I am performing a solo for my mute audience when, out of nowhere, this lunatic turns it into a duet. Personally, my reaction would be to knee him in the balls and run NOT to tell him to meet me at my house later that evening. She's either REALLY naive or Rose is her stage name at the forest titty bar. Furthermore, her directions consist of "the cottage in the glen". If this glen is so easy to find and everyone knows there is a cottage in said glen, why don't they know she lives there? Wouldn't he know there is some smokin' hoochie living in the cottage in the glen? You'd think that kind of 4-1-1 would circulate.

Now, as for Rose herself. I don't think I'd be worried about missing my date with the creeper in the woods if my eccentric caretakers surprised me on my 16th birthday with the revelation that I'm a princess. Are you kidding? I'd be uber pissed! You mean to tell me I've been hunting, gathering, cooking, making my own clothes, and wandering around a forest barefoot for 16 YEARS when all this time there were minions to do this FOR ME?!? Yeah, yeah, there's some screwy witch trying to kill me, but if my royal father and his subjects can't keep this psycho with horns out of the palace, it doesn't bode well for our kingdom in general and I should probably be living up the whole princess thing while it lasts.

As far as Prince Phillip goes, he's taking a leisurely horseback ride through the forest and comes across a cute chick with no shoes on singing to animals. I understand that he might want to "hit that", do some casual dating, go slumming, or what-have-you, but deciding he's going to marry this girl is a little extreme. I mean, he's a prince...he's kind of a big deal and honestly, this girl was TALKING TO ANIMALS. Shouldn't that set off some loony tune warning bells? Do you really, as the prince, want your wife to be heading off to the barn to have philosophical debates with the cows? Something to ponder, Philip...

By the way, if you haven't seen the Disney version in a while, some of this might not make too much sense. And before I hear things like, "Walt Disney murdered fairy tales" or "read the original works, you Philistine", you should know this:

1. I'm going to have a grand time hanging out with Walt Disney in heaven as I am positive that's where that prince of a man is.

2. As far as I'm concerned there IS no version aside from the Disney version.

3. Let's play Disney Trivia, you arrogant ass, I'll own you.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

I CAN'T clean the floor...fo' reals...

Anyone catching me at an unguarded moment will be able to tell without hesitation that I live with a preschooler. I find myself constantly humming the song that Moose sings on NickJr, "I feel like I'm falling for fall..."

It's NOT fall around here though. Can you believe it was 81 degrees yesterday? I put away all my summer clothes and have yet to find a pair of jeans that fit...I'm going to be clothed in the unseasonably green leaves soon. Hey! That might work! I can be Eve for Halloween! Despite the Biblical basis, I don't think it'll be appreciated at the church Trunk or Treat this evening, do you?

I went to get my new Hoover Floormate today because I was feeling uncharacteristically industrious and had a legitimate reason to NOT sweep the floors: the Floormate smells like buttcrack. Seriously. I've had it approximately two weeks and it's been used 3 times. Despite the manual saying it's unnecessary, I have emptied it between cleanings. The canister that the dirty water/sweeper crap goes into smells so bad that I took the canister outside on the back porch. I really was going to vacuum the floor today, but not if it'll make my house smell like nasty trash. I'm a little peeved...that damn thing was expensive. Hopefully, I can get a hold of the company tomorrow and figure out how to de-stink it.

My husband is NOT coming home for the holidays. He's making a sacrifice and heading to Dubai instead to crash with a friend so we still get his R&R bonus, but don't have to pay for the airfare home. Wait a minute...I'm home by myself with a preschooler clinging to my leg and a baby hanging from my breast and he's staying with a friend in another city, going sight seeing and such with no kids... Scratch the "sacrifice" comment, that sounds like a freakin' vacation. Holy Mother, I've been had...

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Cliches are cliches because they're TRUE

It seemed as though we hit the floor running this morning and never did stop. School, Dr. appointment, errands, pick AC up from school and straight to dance, home! I didn't have dinner until 8:00 p.m.

For the most part, this "kinda single mom" thing isn't as hard as everyone seems to think. There are times, though, that I just feel like I'm going to implode. I get almost an anxious, panic attack feeling. I feel it pulsing under the surface and if I don't stomp it down, I'll fall to pieces.

Tonight, I had to take a minute. As a mom, those minutes you have to take for yourself come at the strangest times. Take this evening... Just home from dance, we stripped to take a shower and get jammies on (shower tonight b/c I KNOW we'll be just as rushed tomorrow morning, the more I can get done tonight, the better) and I felt it. That panic, the melt-down was breathing down my neck. I had to take one of those minutes then and there. So there is Mommy, leaning against the wall of the shower, eyes closed and blocking out the screaming baby in the bedroom and the preschooler in the shower with me yammering on and on about God knows what while drawing circles on my butt with her soap crayon. Yep, not my finest hour, but I needed a moment in my own little world in order to stay sane.

Later, no less chaotic, God let me get a glimpse of the nostalgia with which I will look back on these times. Someday, AC will be off at her part-time job, Rory will be in an extracurricular activity, and I will be at home reminiscing about the days when my babies were babies and were home with me every night snuggling in my bed.

So, that being said, this is my goal, one I'll never totally "reach", but one I can continually strive toward: Look at my life for what it is, a gift. Find the joy in the every day, the chaos, and the mundane. Appreciate my kids and take advantage of the time I'm given with them because they aren't mine, they're God's, He just loves me enough to share. Look back only to keep perspective as to how far we've come. Look forward only to gain an appreciation of what I have, it'll all change all too soon.

Do I sound like a sappy greeting card? Yes, I do, but I don't think it makes those statements any less true.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Oh, the monotony

Forgive me readers, for I am boring and it's been 5 days since my last blog. There is nothing going on around here. Well, I should clarify, nothing of interest to the myriad of readers out there in cyberland. Yes, 3 people can constitute a myriad...shut up.

We've been very busy, mostly with random appointments. I've had something aside from our regular "stuff" everyday this week. Some of it was fun, like today. A friend opened her home to some of us that have home businesses and invited people to come shop and chat. I made some money while drinking coffee and chatting with friends PLUS AC ran around outside with the other kids and wore herself out! What sucks about that?? I'll tell ya...nothin'.

We, well, I have had a lot of un-fun stuff. I've been going to Dr. appointments this week. Nothing dire, follow-ups, scans, etc. I find out tomorrow if the scans uncovered the source of my "episodes" as my galbadder. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I hope that it's something they can take care of soon, though, our deductable and out-of-pocket are met. Ah, yes, 'tis I, El Cheapo!

Friday we have a "Harvest Festival" for the stay-at-home mom's club I am a member of. I signed up for the party planning committee...why did I do that??? I put myself in these situations all the time. You would think I would've learned by now to keep my damn name off the sign up sheets... Oh, I'm sure it'll be fun and the kids will enjoy it, but I am an idea person. I'll give you 500 ideas, however, I have no desire to follow through on those ideas.

Seeing as this could be the most boring and devoid of humor blog I have written to date, I'll put a stop to the tedium and sign off. Pumpkin spice coffee, here I come...

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Halloween and one-liners for posterity

I caught a mouse! Hooray! I had to call my landlord earlier this week as I saw him AGAIN. Broad daylight and the nasty thing saunters down the hallway, that's right, saunters; no frightened scurrying, if he walked on two legs, he would have been twirling his tail in his hand winking at me. Arrogant little b*stard got what was coming to him...

It's getting close to Halloween and AC has had her costume since June. We bought her a Sleeping Beauty ensemble at Disneyland and, seeing as it cost almost as much as admission to the park, decided it was her Halloween costume. Not to be left out of the fun, I ordered a Maleficent costume from the Disney Store! Muahahahaha... So, if AC and I are going to be characters from Sleeping Beauty, Rory has to join the cast AND seeing as I will be carrying her around all evening, what better character than Maleficent's raven? Do you THINK I could find a bird costume of any kind?? No...that would be too easy. I got creative and bought a black fleece tracksuit from Wal-Mart and pimped it out with ribbon feathers and a scrap wool applique face. I did a pretty freakin' good job if I say so myself.

We carved pumpkins today during our pajama day. I should clarify, I carved a pumpkin. AC wanted me to carve a Dora Explorer pumpkin. Uh, right, I think that falls outside Mommy's realm of ability, so, we went for an owl instead.

As my cousin pointed out, AC has been on a roll with the inappropriate, yet, hilarious soundbites lately that are wonderful fodder for Facebook status updates. The rest of the blog will be dedicated to preserving them for posterity (or for my own personal entertainment when she's a teenager and it's no longer funny.)

AC was standing at the front door trying to get it open when we heard the ice cream truck somewhere in the neighborhood. I walked up behind her just in time to hear, "It's that damn ice cream man again..."

She is SO my kid, she was hiding from her daddy...under a glass top table...

AC: Mom, where's your phone?
Me: Right here.
AC: I'm glad it's not lost. 'Member when I lost it?
Me: Yes, I do, and I hope that never happens again.
AC: Me too. You might call the policeman and he will come get me. That would be bad, bad, bad...

She let me know that my phone was giving her a "pain in the ass".

She didn't get the straw that came with a cup we bought and she told me that the guy who sold it to us was "frickin' damn" because he didn't give it to us.

Not sure if I remember why and in her defense, I don't think she understood that it was inappropriate, but I was called a butthole by my grinning three year old.

AC got lotion on the floor but nonchalantly assured me she would "wipe that crap up."

I told AC to finish her beans. She told me she couldn't because she's "filled up with beans".

Clayton and I don't like vans, but somehow AC has gotten it into her head that we need to get a red minivan. My MIL informed me that in her bedtime prayers was a heartfelt request for a red van...

And we'll end on a sweet note:

I made AC Easy Mac for dinner and she says, "Mmm, mmm. Momma you're a good cooker!" Lol, it's Easy Mac for goodness sakes, but it's nice to be appreciated.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom