Shhh...I'm being still

"Be still and know that I am God."

That verse has been in the back of my mind for quite a few weeks, pretty much since I started adding yoga to my routine.  I'll be honest, DOING the yoga sucks, it's hard and I realize how clumsy and weak I have become, but at the end of class, with the music playing and lights low, laying down and concentrating on nothing other than my breathing and relaxing my taxed muscles is one of the best feelings in the world.  To have a moment where I need do nothing more than breathe has become an essential part of my week.

I'm learning the importance of being still.  In my opinion, this verse has nothing to do with falling on our faces and obsessing about how fabulous God is.  I really think He is imparting to us the importance of being still.  He knew what kind of world we would be living in, one where, in a moment's notice, we can order pizza, look up the capitol of North Dakota, tell everyone we've ever met exactly where we are, and own our 4th grade English teacher in a word game.  We are SO bombarded with media at all times.  I notice it in myself, the constant need to be doing or be entertained or "plugged in".  Sitting and watching TV isn't enough for me, I have to be online or sewing or something at the same time.  Not that there's anything wrong with our technologically savvy world and lifestyles, but I think God has been pounding into me the importance of being still.  There is a time and place to cut myself off from everything and just breathe.

Sleep has become difficult for me as of late, I'm so tired, but just can't shut myself off enough to even lay still in bed.  I've picked up some breathing meditation techniques from my yoga teacher (who also attends my church, don't get freaked out, I'm not chanting to Ganesh or anything...) that really do help.  Sit or lay down in the dark (I like to have some "spa" music playing) and just breathe.  The only thing you need to think about is the breath coming in and going out of your nose.  Nothing else.  Focusing on the breath relaxes me and also helps to keep me from going through the list of things I have to get done before leaving the house the next day.

God wouldn't have told us in His word to "be still" if it weren't important.  Mentally, we need that break.  He says all we need to do is "know that (He) is God".  That doesn't mean sitting there thinking about all He has done for me, how great He is, or unloading my heart in His lap.  There is a time and place for doing that.  All I have to do is know that He is God.  That's it.  It's something I already know, therefore it requires no thinking at all because it's already decided, I know this.

All that is important at this very moment is that He is God and I know it...be still...just breathe...

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Day 2: Something you regret not having done this year

Okay, so it's not really day 2, but in my defense, one of the nights was childless which I spent with trashy TV and a margarita.  The other nights, well, I was just lazy.  Speaking of which, I've discovered that what others call "lazy", I choose to refer to as "economy of movement".  Sounds so green and frugal.

On to the challenge.  Seeing as it's only 2 months into the current year, there's not much missed opportunity to be had.  Even were I taking it as the past calendar year, there isn't much there to regret either.  I'm sure there are a lot of little things, but nothing that sticks out in my mind.  I will say, though, that I wish I could've auditioned for the local theatre's production of Chicago.  Because my DH is gone and I have both the girls almost every waking (and sleeping) moment, I would never have been able to attend the rehearsals and performances.  Plus, I saw their costumes and there is NO way I'd have been able to squeeze my fat ass in one of those without looking like a burst tube of Pillsbury dough.  That being said, I still would like to know if I'd have been good enough to be cast.  I LOVE that show...  I know I couldn't dance well enough to be Velma or Roxy, but I'd have enjoyed being Momma (a part which, I might add, requires a certain voluptuousness).

There's not a whole lot I really regret aside from the standard "shoulda, coulda, woulda".  I wish I had started working out so I look good naked already, I wish I had saved more money, I wish I had taken more pictures, etc.

On the whole, I can say I'm relatively regret free because, really, what good does regret do?

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Day 1: Something I am looking forward to this year

I'd like to say I'm looking forward to my husband coming home for good, but that would be more of a hope than an actuality.

As ridiculous as it may sound, the thing I am looking forward to most this year is our trip to Disneyland.  This is the first big trip that we will have taken as a family of four and will be Rory's first Disney experience.  ACK!!!  I think I'm more excited than AC is and she is pretty stoked.

No one can deny that Disneyland is a magical place.  Where else on Earth could you find a bearded, tattooed guy in a sleeveless motorcycle jacket with a pocket chain a mile long walking around in a hat with ears drinking out of a Goofy shaped souvenier cup?  Nowhere...well, perhaps certain gay bars, but we don't usually frequent those on family outings.  I have a serious Disney infatuation, in fact, when I do become a famous and incredibly wealthy person of influence, the first thing on my to do list will be to hire Disney Imagineers to come and deck out my kids bedrooms and our backyard.  Not joking.

The best part is that we will be going when the park is decorated for Christmas.  I can't wait...  What could be better than Disneyland at Christmas (well, maybe Disneyland at Halloween, when I've experienced that, I'll let ya know)?

Speaking of Disney, I can't even begin to express my excitement regarding the new movie this summer.  Brave!  Scotland + Disney = Euphoria just this side of the second coming.  I'm going to see it at the VIP theatre in Kansas City.  The kind where you sit in a recliner and waiters bring you food and adult beverages.  Only after I have done this will I take the kids to see it.  And then maybe I'll have to take my cousin.  And the neighbor kid.  And the paper boy.  And the special needs grocery store clerk.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Give it 30 days

The reason I am such a sporadic blogger is that I am constantly without inspiration (proof of which can be seen in my numerous baby poop stories...)  In an attempt to remedy this, I am taking up the 30 day writing challenge listed here.  I don't know that each and every day what I write will end up posted on the internet, but I'll attempt to modify and post everything that I can.

I'm taking up this challenge because I want to write.  I enjoy writing and, usually, will be impressed with myself when going back to read things I have written in the past.  As with any art, the technique, not the subject are what makes it good art.  To quote one of the best teachers I've ever had, Julie Mahoney, "You should be able to draw a pile of dog turds and make it interesting."   The more I drew in college, the better I got.  In my opinion, the same goes with writing.  So, you, dear audience, are my guinea pigs.  Consider these next 30 days (maybe longer, don't know that I'll be able to write EVERY day, I am a mom, ya know) to be my assignment and you, well, aside from the "guinea pig" moniker, I can't think of an appropriate label.  Unless of course, you want to be the teacher and "grade" me...  If that's the case, I reserve the right to disregard your criticisms with sarcastic rebuttals.  Just so ya know...

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Only so much oil in this lamp

I apologize for the lack of ascerbic wit you've come to expect from me.  As I stated in Ugly Scars Revealed, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety.  I tend to mentally berate myself for the pile of dirty clothes sitting in front of the washing machine, the dust bunnies in the corners that are large enough to beget dust bunny babies, and just my general lack of "oomph" in relatively all aspects of my life.  This is depression.

Today, however, I had a mini epiphany, if you will.  While doodling in my journal during Bible study this morning (yeah, I know I just admitted I wasn't paying attention...shut up...) I realized that although depression and it's symptoms can cause me to be a horrible housekeeper, a lackluster cook, and someone who cancels plans just so she doesn't have to put on real pants, I refuse to let it make me a bad mom.  I've been in survival mode for quite a while now, there is only so much I can give and I choose to give it to my kids.  The dust will be there tomorrow and so will the crowd of Cheerios having a survivors support group under my couch, but my babies won't.  I refuse to allow depression and anxiety to steal from the lives of my children.  I'll get better and will be able to "undo" the damage this time in my life has caused to my housekeeping duties, but I will never be able to live this day with my kids again.  It's a sobering thought.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

I'm probably going to get in trouble for this...

I hate cleaning the house.  I love a clean house and am a little anal about it, but I HATE actually doing it.  I used to have someone who came in every 2 weeks to clean my entire 1200 sq feet of living space, but started to feel guilty about paying someone to do something I should be doing myself.  Besides, they never do as well as I'd like.  No kidding, I want the rugs pulled up and furniture moved out in order to sweep and mop.  I don't think I could find anyone with legal citizenship to do that for a reasonable amount.

When reading The Help, I was sufficiently appalled at the working conditions of African American women at that particular place and time in history, but I have to admit, at the same time, I wish I could afford an Abileen.  I don't care what race, religion, etc., she is, but how great would it be to have someone to come over and take care of you??  Like Alice from the Brady Bunch minus the irritating voice and constant slapstick expressions.  I'd love a grandmotherly sort to come cook, clean, and good-naturedly berate me for leaving my coffee cup on the end table.

Maybe someday when inspiration strikes and I become the next JK Rowling, I can afford it.  As for now, I suppose I have to do it my damned self...  *sigh*

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Ugly Scars Revealed

It's been a while since I've blogged and, apparently, there are people who ACTUALLY miss it.  I know, right?!?  (Ok, so, it's, like, my mom and two other people, don't rain on my parade.)  In the many moons since I've posted, I've been writing in my own thought journal, but most of those things are a little too personal to share with the world wide web.

If you've read past blogs, you know that there isn't much I'm afraid to admit about myself.  I declared my weight for all to see and then copped to the fact that I got obsessive about dieting and am back to my fatty self.  That being said, there's something that's really been on my heart to share:

I struggle with depression and anxiety.  

I've been battling these two for quite some time, but have recently felt a burden to tell people.  Those close to me have known for some time and I'm continuing to combat this with the help of my counsellor, my doctor, and the support of my family.  I feel as though God is asking me to be brave enough to bare my scars.  There have been people in my life (one in particular) whose transparency, though difficult for them, was a comfort and a blessing.  Their bravery gave me hope and showed me that it's okay to not be okay.  The torch has passed and now it's my turn:

Whatever you are going through, someone else has been there and made it out alive.  Don't suffer alone.  You don't have to shout it from the rooftops, but find someone you trust and be brave enough to ask for help.  When you take the risk and reveal those ugly scars there will be those who judge you, but let me tell you from experience, there will be FAR less of those than you think.  God has your heart in His hand, trust Him with it.  I promise you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom

Quoted from: http://arzzzkiyahai.blogspot.com/

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