Spaliday for Two

As I've said before, I joined the same gym as my parents for the duration of my stay here in KC. They have a spa and, although very out of character for her, my mom asked if I wanted to go do a spa package together if she pays for it. Umm...duh.

Let me start by saying that neither mom, nor I, have ever been to a spa, so, regardless of the few spa treatments I've had (pedis, waxing/sugaring, and massages), I've never had them in a proper spa setting. The package she chose was the Spaliday Sampler. It included a 30 min Swedish massage, a 30 min facial, and an express mani/pedi in that order. Par for the course, we were rushing that morning and I left the house with wet, au natural hair and half a cup of coffee. I was NOT looking nor feeling my best.

We dashed into the spa after dropping off AC and were greeted with citrus water and led to the locker room. We had lockers for our things and hanging in the lockers were robes and flip flops. The girl instructed us to undress, put on our robes, and head to the "relaxation room". You KNOW that as soon as said girl left the locker room, Mom and I looked at each other and squealed, "This is just like in a movie!" Yep, that's how sophisticated we are. Of course, they don't show people stripping down, tripping over their pant legs, or balling up their socks in the movies. The also don't show real people in old ass cotton granny panties and a dingy nursing bra...what?? I'm a mother of two children under 3, like I have anything else. Besides, the cute underwear I have shoved in a drawer from the days when things like that actually mattered don't fit...don't judge me.

Mom and I shuffled into the relaxation room (literally, the flip flops are one size) which is just a squint-inducing brightly lit room with an air freshener, a few chairs, herbal tea bags, and water. I was a little disappointed that there were no snacks...I was hungry, I didn't have time for breakfast. There was also no coffee, but I suppose that's frowned upon, they don't want you getting all hopped up on caffeine in the relaxation room. (Not so relaxing in my opinion as the combination of bright light and no caffeine was giving me a headache.)

There to meet us were two women in scrubs, one petite Asian and one hulking Caucasian. I swear, her name wasn't Brunhilda, but I wouldn't have been surprised had she ripped off her shirt to reveal a breastplate and then burst into operatic song. I was desperately hoping she would have a heavy Nordic accent and follow every sentence with "ja". All disappointment was forgotten, however, when I slid under the blanket on the massage table. Those suckers are HEATED! I swear, after a satisfying back massage, I could've spent all day on that bed wrapped in a cocoon of snuggliness.

I was directed back to the relaxation room, which is really just a euphemism for waiting room, and out came Mom. First, of course, she had to comment and laugh at the rounded indentation on my forehead from the massage table. Then she burst into an exaltation of all things massage. Literally, the first words out of her mouth were, "Is this what I've been missing?!?" I think we've created a monster. In a few months there will probably be a blog about Mom's massage intervention, which is a little surprising...Mom doesn't like other people touching her.

Next was the facial. Neither of us had ever had a facial before, so, I didn't know what to expect and had visions of fabulous smelling creams, eyelid massages, and general magic being performed on my face. Not so, my friend. Maybe it was just that it was a dumbed down version, but, really, I don't think I need to pay someone that much money to wash my face. I can do scrubs, masks, and toner at home for a hell of a lot less money, sweetcheeks. She asked me halfway through if I'd like to do a few "extractions". Sure, why not? I didn't realize what she really meant was, "Can I pop your zits?" I quickly regretted my up-for-anything attitude when she used little cotton wads to squeeze the mother effing hell out of my face. Had my arms not been tucked snugly under the luxuriously warm blanket, I'd have slapped her. I wanted to ask her if she ever tells people she's a professional pimple popper, but somehow I don't think she would've found that amusing.

Off to the locker room before the mani/pedi to change into our clothes so as not to muss the polish. Mom walked in looking like a cherry tomato. No joke. She had agreed to facial waxing along with her facial and it turned her into a walking stop sign. This point in the proceedings is also when I tried the cucumber water. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but it tasted like crap. It was like drinking the water from the bottom of the Tupperware the cucumbers have sat in. It made me think of cleaning out a dirty refrigerator and there is NOTHING refreshing about that. Just sayin'...

The mani/pedi, for me, was almost not even worth mentioning. I like the $30 everything-but-the-kitchen-sink pedicures I get at the local Asian salon whereas this, being an "express mani/pedi", was pretty much just clip and paint. Mom went to go get AC from the children's area while the girl was finishing my toes and 2 minutes later, here comes a childcare worker to get verbal confirmation that Mom could pick her up. They insisted they couldn't find our paperwork. Uh, that effing paperwork is what ultimately caused my back injury and you're telling me it was all for naught??? *insert eye roll and sigh* AC was tired and hungry which leads to a crabby little girl, so, here we are, fuzzy-haired, irritated, trying to wrangle a whiner as well as carry coats, shoes, and purses, Mom is more red faced than Santa, and I still have the massage table crease on my forehead as well as red spots from the "extractions". Wow, what a picture of indulgent and serene relaxation... I don't think we'll be getting a call to be in their brochure.

All in all, it was kinda fun, however, we now know what kind of services we would and wouldn't pay for again. You live and learn. At least I got Snickers smoothie afterwards.

Until then,

AC 'n' Rory's Mom